the faint spark of forgiveness
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: When they're both tired of pretending, forgiveness must come next.


**Title:** the faint spark of forgiveness  
**Author:** Cassandra Mulder  
**Rating:** PG  
**Classification:**_The Office_; Jim/Pam; angst; fluff  
**Spoilers:** General season 3  
**Disclaimer:** So not mine, don't sue. I don't even own a stapler. No infringement is intended.  
**Written:** April 22 - 26, 2007  
**Word Count:** 2460  
**Summary:** When they're both tired of pretending, forgiveness must come next.  
**Challenge:** melodicmuse  
**Prompt:** Signal Fire by Snow Patrol  
**A/N:** Yes, my second Jam fic in a week. Call me obsessed. No, seriously, I will answer to that. ;) Remember, feedback is love:)

* * *

_In the confusion and the aftermath  
You are my signal fire  
_

_The only resolution and the only joy  
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eye_

_There you are, standing right in front of me  
There you are, standing right in front of me  
All this here falls away to leave me naked  
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety  
- Signal Fire _by Snow Patrol

Pam had never forgotten to breathe before, but as the day wore on she found she had to remind herself almost constantly. The office seemed too stuffy, and there was a certain tension in the air that she thought might smother her.

That was how she had determined the rumors must be true, but there was still no confirmation and she didn't want to get her hopes up so high that she was crushed when they came down on her.

She kept surreptitiously glancing at Karen and Jim, who thought they were being equally covert about glancing at each other. She felt like a horrible human being for hoping that this might be the end of the road. That she might not have to wait anymore, and she knew that if that was the case, she had gotten off easier than he ever had.

Jim had waited years, all the while being the most noble guy on earth for ever putting up with her engagement to Roy. Less civilized men would have dropped the bomb on her, and told her she had no idea what she was doing. She had to give him credit for his self-control, but there were moments she wished he hadn't had that much. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe she would have spent the last five years loving Jim instead of telling herself she didn't, and being hellbent on the road to a broken engagement.

She couldn't help any of that now, and she figured she probably wouldn't be the person she had become if the last year hadn't happened. Slowly, she was becoming the person she had always wanted to be. More independent, less timid, believing in herself and the things she wanted to work towards.

She could do all of that on her own, but what she really wanted was _him_ along for the ride. That was the only thing she wanted, and if she never had a New York City art show or the fanciest house in Pennsylvania, her bargaining with God had been settled.

Her stomach was unsettled when she went to get her lunch, and she saw Jim and Karen leave. She picked at her salad and yogurt, food the last thing on her mind. She wanted to ask someone (Jim) what was going on, but she couldn't without it looking exactly like what it was - a desperate last lifeline to her dearest hope.

After lunch, the four hours left until five o'clock felt more like eight. It was a slow day, and between one whole fax and intermittent phone calls, she was thinking about seeing if she could play free cell in her sleep. As many games as she had won without thinking already, she wouldn't be surprised if she could.

Nothing was happening. Pranks weren't flying, Dwight wasn't searching, inspecting, or reporting anything to Michael. Everyone was silent and actually, well, working. She couldn't remember the last time that had happened, and she was really starting to get worried as she listened to Jim quietly make sales call after sales call. He was usually personable and persuasive, even if he was faking it, but now he _sounded_ like he wanted to be anywhere else.

She stared at the clock, willing it to be five, and when the hour finally came around, everyone seemed especially anxious to leave. Michael was the first one out, even though she had hardly seen him all day, and the others filed through, like some kind of bizarre death march. She was feeling more and more out of the loop with each long face that passed, and she quickly shut down her computer and grabbed her purse as she saw Karen leave.

Jim wasn't far behind Karen, and Pam turned the lights out as she left. When she got to the elevator, she was surprised to find Jim leaning against the wall, Karen nowhere in sight. He said nothing, so she just gave him a slight smile since she had no idea what to say to him anymore.

He hit the button for the ground floor, and she tried not to stare at him as the elevator lurched down. It had been some time since they had really been alone, and she never knew what to do. The rare occasion they did get a second together just made her even more sad than she was in general, so she tried not to think anything of it.

She thought they would part ways as soon as they were out the door, but she found herself being walked to her car. He hadn't done that in ages.

Her keys were in her hand, but she made no attempt to unlock her car. She turned to him and he was looking at her, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He looked like he wanted to say something, but the chasm of awkward between them was hard to breach.

She squinted up at him, trying to see his face with the fading sun behind his head. "Is something the matter, Jim?" she asked. Someone had to speak first, because she found it incredibly hard to read him anymore just by his facial expressions. There weren't nearly as many as there used to be, at least not around her.

"I broke up with Karen. She's transferring to corporate in New York," he said.

She raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth, but nothing managed to escape. Except for a quiet 'hey' when he had walked into the office that morning, he hadn't said a word to her all day, and now this? 'I'm free, your competition is moving', all of the sudden?

He was lucky she didn't have the presence of mind to whack him with her purse, just for the bluntness of it all.

"So the rumor was true," she said finally.

Jim quirked an eyebrow. "There was a rumor about me and Karen breaking up?"

Pam rolled her eyes. "Yes, Jim, because people follow you like a bald Britney Spears. No, the transfer. I've heard rumblings, but nothing official, and now…"

"Yeah, well. I just thought you should know. Tomorrow's her last day."

She was trying to keep her reaction on an even keel, because she wasn't sure that jumping up and down while clapping her hands would be appropriate, no matter how she felt inside.

"I'm sorry, Jim," she said diplomatically. "You didn't want to do the long distance thing…"

He sighed deeply. "You know I didn't."

She blinked, frowned, blinked again. They were not about to do this in the parking lot. Not again. Or, at least if they were, she was going to beat him to the punch.

"What do you want me to say?" She looked down at her feet, then back up at him. She couldn't chicken out this time, not after the torture of the last year. "Do you want me to say that I'm sorry again, or do you want the truth?"

"All I ever wanted was the truth, Pam, but I don't think you were ready to tell it."

She fidgeted with the strap of her purse and tried to gather all the courage she had been trying to build up inside her. "The truth is… If I wasn't trying to be a supportive friend, I would be jumping up and down right now." She half-looked up at him, completely embarrassed at her admission.

To her surprise, he smiled, closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them his mirth was apparent when he said, "My God, Fancy New Beesly is shameless. Who knew?"

She wanted nothing more than to rewind the last two minutes, get in her car, and leave, but instead she tried to take his teasing as a good sign.

He sighed again. "I can't let you off the hook that easily."

She straightened, indignation bubbling up inside her at the implication that she was the only one guilty of anything. "Let _me_ off the hook-"

He held up a hand. "Not unless you can do the same for me." His face softened and she saw that he had been messing with her all along. She should have known.

She could see it in his eyes, everything that had happened that night and every day after it, and she could not fathom how he could possibly be here now, apparently still in love with her. She didn't deserve it, but if she didn't believe that she _did_ she would only wind up in the same place she had the first time. She hadn't believed she deserved anything better then, but she had proven herself wrong over weeks and months that took all the strength she had to get through.

She knew that she had to be the one to say it first this time, to lay it all on the line, because otherwise she had no idea how she was ever going to make it up to him. It still wouldn't be enough, it never could be, but as he looked at her with those green eyes, she knew she could forgive him anything. She just hoped he could do the same.

"I can't make everything that happened go away," she said, and she felt frustrated as her eyes got misty. She knew what she wanted, she just hadn't planned on doing this today. The way things had been going, she hadn't really been planning on it ever. "But I love you, Jim." She took a deep breath and tugged on her bag, afraid to look him in the eye.

He reached out and took one of her fidgety hands, and she was able to look up at him.

"I'm _in_ love with you." And there it was. His eyes were no longer cold or unforgiving. He was looking at her like he had on Casino Night, and she had to remind herself to breathe again. She had no idea what to do next. The world seemed at a standstill, as clichéd as that sounded, but he solved her problem for her when he pulled her into his arms.

Her head rested on his chest as his arms held her tightly to him, and she closed her eyes as she listened to the sure, steady beat of his heart. When she had gotten up that morning she could never have dreamed that this was the way her day would turn out. She figured it would be like all the others, and she dreaded it just like every one since she had broken her engagement.

Most of the tension drained out of her, and she never wanted to walk on pins and needles around him again. Her head was spinning, possibly from relief, but she still felt like things were going a little fast.

She pulled back a little, looking up at him finally. "Jim, are you sure this is - I mean, you just broke up with Karen…"

He shook his head. "Karen's a good person, Pam, but she's not you. It was a sham, and I was a fraud. We both knew we were kidding ourselves long before today," he said.

"I'm sorry. I feel like this is all my fault."

He shook his head. "Not really. I handled things badly, but it was the only way I knew to handle them at the time. The question now is, can we get past the last year?"

She clasped her arms tighter around his waist. "I can if you can. All I know is I can't do this anymore. I want to be with you, Jim. I'm sure now. I have never been so miserable in my life as when I'm without you." It felt good to say what had been on her mind for so long. She felt the misery and fatigue that had become a dreaded routine start to lift.

"I'm sure I can change your mind," he teased. "You've never been my girlfriend."

She laughed. "You couldn't change my mind now. Not for a million dollars."

"That's good, I don't have a million dollars."

"I don't care."

"Stop trying to be the perfect woman."

"Who says I'm not?"

Her smirk was cut short by his kiss, and she found herself on her tiptoes, her arms going around his neck to try to keep her balance. Slowly, she started to feel whole again. He had always been her anchor, as she suspected she was his, and nothing was right if they weren't together.

When she hit the ground again to catch her breath, his arms were there to steady her. She had forgotten what a wreck kissing him made her, but it was a good kind of wreck and she was willing to feel like this forever. She desperately _wanted_ to feel like this for the rest of her life, and she knew he could make that happen.

"Oh my God," she said, her head spinning.

"Yeah," he agreed, and she could feel the chuckle start in his chest.

She sighed. "What now?"

"How about dinner?" he asked. "It is about that time."

"Well, you know they say you should never do dinner on the first date. More like coffee or something, in case you don't like the person…"

He cut her off again with a kiss.

He pulled back. "Five years. We like each other, Beesly."

"Are you going to kiss me every time I say something you don't like?" she asked, one eyebrow raised.

"It's entirely possible."

"I am going to have to disagree with you more often than normal, then."

"But we hardly ever disagree."

"Then there will be lots and lots of it from now on," she said with a laugh. This time, she raised up to kiss him, and if he didn't suggest leaving the parking lot soon, she was going to stand there and do this all night.

"Take me to dinner, Jim," she said breathlessly.

"But what about that whole coffee first speech?"

"I think I like you."

"Good to know. 'Cause I think I like you, too."

"You should know one thing, though."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. If you ever leave me again, I will hunt you down and hurt you."

He made one of his infamous faces, and then laughed so hard she felt it all the way to her toes. "You don't have to worry about that. I do have a new nickname for you, though. Scary New Beesly."

It was her turn to laugh as she playfully whacked him on the chest. "Don't push your luck, Halpert," she said with the sternest look she could muster.

"Never again," he said as he released her and took her hand.

Her smile won out as she walked with him to his car.

Finis


End file.
